the persistence of the infatuation junkie

Conspiracy of the Sands of Time

2005-03-21T13:12:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to write an entirely different piece yesterday but decided against it and resolved to write it today instead. It took me 10 full minutes before my fingers moved from the keyboard. I don't know. It seems like some people I know are not the only ones feeling the blues these days. Oh, crap!

I was browsing the web and stumbled into this quotation which I came upon three years ago. It goes something like this: "If you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." I'm not sure but I'm just keeping all the possibilities open. I still wait for the universe to conspire in helping me achieve what I want. And what do I want? I want a new cellular phone! Is that too much to ask?

It probably is.

POETIC EMOTIONS

2005-03-18T15:48:00.000+08:00

pitch

So this may mean, my sweet, that the fever is over
No need to look back and exhale
Our sighs over coffee and cigarettes.

Fever is poison, my sweet,
Letting the mind wander and forget.
We've been together,
You and I, bodies unite;
Baby, your soul enveloping mine;
Temperatures rise,
Boiling blood in the kettle,
Lighting candles bundles by bundles;
Words fondled by words,
Drowned softly in strained rapture;
Various feelings played and displayed,
And splayed arms strayed from mile to mile;
Hearts raced
But embraced
In a kaleidoscopic haze.

But that was before.
Now, you and I just listen to scarce breaths
In slow rhythms,
Hear the radio hum lovers' delights
Toiled briefly on midnights and midmornings.
The heart grows cold,
Singing songs of the wrongs;
Bleached throngs of pain
And so ready to cry in the rain.

Fever, my sweet, is poison,
And goodbyes have reasons
But, oh, so bittersweet!

Frequently Asked Questions

2005-03-14T15:32:00.000+08:00

It's funny how a simple thing can ruin someone to pieces and take you into lonely places. A very unfortunate thing indeed. Everything closes in and you look at your life and ask yourself where you've gone wrong. You are on the very brink. No time to deliberate. You're left for dead.

A former highschool classmate who works in the same company I work for had his heart broken over the girl of his dreams just recently. They have been together for almost 6 years and with just a snap of a finger, she told him it's over. Thru SMS. Very convenient, huh? I don't blame him if this should devastate him. Not all men are pigs. Some guys, straight or not, take relationships seriously. I'm not at all like that but it made me wonder: How can someone be so beautiful be treated like that? I mean, what the hell was she thinking? I was reluctant to speak to him. When matters of the heart are tackled, I usually just have my say when asked. I'm not so good with things like that. I tend to swoon. But then I got to talk to him. We started off by talking about the life we had in highschool. How rebellious we were and all. We were practically laughing our asses off when he told the story about that Social Studies teacher who got shitless scared when someone showed him a gun and threatened to kill him. It was a toy gun. But Mr. Omoso fled like a girl out of the room and brought the midget principal back with him and two security guards.

We were reminiscing. And then we went silent. It was deafening. And then I opened the topic about his unfortunate heartbreak. The guy explained what really happened. Almost teary-eyed. Wouldn't look at me in the eye too long. And he asked me how I knew about it. He was kinda private about his love life. I told him everybody was talking about him when he went AWOL for a week from work. Word gets around, you know, I explained. These people are just concerned, I went on. He was just this very nice person, tall, very good looking and everybody likes him. Nobody wants to see him sad. So he went on, telling me how she had him fooled, this and that, blah, blah, blah, strumming his pain with his own fingers whilst fumbling the keys of his celfone (While talking to me, he was texting to his 5th grader sis about his love problem.) The guy is really that desperate.

He choked on his words and I offered loud sighs as my way of telling that I feel for him. I played my lips with my fingers. I was mostly speechless. "Uh huh's" are all I can muster. I wished I can offer more comfort. But we all have problems and whatever world he thinks he is living right now, he needs to realize that life is like that and the only key to survival is resilience. Really. No matter how many heartbreaks or how painful one single heartbreak is, you still need to know that life should still move on. I think he is old enough to know that. Jesus. Love is really just overrated.

Thank God I play for the other team.

The Sister Interaction

2005-03-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

I was already in my nucleus bedroom last night tucking some of my clothes in my closet when my sister texted me. She asked me if I was doing okay and how soon can I come home. Isn't she sweet? We have always been together as far as I can remember and fight all the time like mad wolves from morning till night. Now that we are far apart, we are always missing each other so much that we always text or talk on the phone. I went out to her about the "real me" on the eve of New Year when I came home last December. We were up lying on the roof that night waiting for the firecrackers and fireworks to commence, looking up at the distant stars glistening beautifully. I told her I've been dating men and have one for a bf. It didn't seem to surprise her. Why should it? When I broke up with the bf, I told her first. She didn't flinch. Just like the time when I told her about my being gay. So, now she was asking me if I have a new boyfriend and how lonely it is for her that until now she doesn't have one, too. I replied that I haven't found anybody to replace my last bf just yet. Don't want to go into that game yet again. And went on saying that she should worry that she isn't getting a bf until now. Then, she texted me back that she doesn't give a fuck of her being single but added that I should I get a gf, for a change. I replied, "U R kidding ryt? Girls are full of drama, get mens cycle every month, and they are very high-maintenance. Y bother?" My sister is a big joker sometimes.

San Fernando: Mountainous Adventure

2005-03-09T10:50:00.000+08:00

Authentication Failure

2005-03-07T13:02:00.000+08:00

Some people say that resilience is the ultimate antidote against adversity. Resilience, as I understand it, is the ability to recover from every negativity you go through. Aye, it's true. When people put you through such turmoil as neglect, the only way to survive is to fight back and never succumb to tears. Most people you meet can only put you down lots of times. Some people lift you up at other times only to put you down again sooner or later. It's depressing. Very. But how does one overcome this? How do you conquer it all? For starters, sticking to the right people is the right step to take. This is achieved through observation. It is very important. Selection is the next process. And then, voila, everything is breezy from there! Yeah, right!!! As if you don't know that already. As if you need to know! There's really no point in all this, you know. I'm just bored and really don't have anything sensible to say at all. To end, all I really wanna say is that, people are people. You cannot deny the things that people do. They do things that debilitate you. A friend lifts you up. Sure. An enemy puts you down. So it a no-brainer choice right? You'd surely go for the friend rather than they enemy. Right? Nah, that's not right. Listen, the very person that you should give more attention to is that person who makes you feel good. The person who lifts you up and down, and and up and down, and up and down, and up down--until you explode!!! Aaaahhhhh!!! Sheesh! I'm really crappy today. At least I know I don't make sense. I'm hitting the PUBLISH POST button anyway. Screw you!

Save The Draft

2005-03-06T11:26:00.000+08:00

I like the intricacies of the human behavior. It's generally devious. You think you know it all but when somebody flashes you a smile, it may mean some other thing. Like they know you are wearing a red underwear. But what it really meant was, they know you flunked Organic Chemistry twice in college. Bummer (?).

FAVE SONGS

2005-02-26T13:34:00.000+08:00

Since I do not have much to write about the goings-on of my life these days, I just want to share a long list of my ultimate favorite songs, not necessarily in order, so here goes:

Can't Let Go - Mariah Carey
Clarity - John Mayer
In The End - Linkin Park
Semi-charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
On Bended Knees - Boyz II Men
Earthbound - Conner Reeves
Come What May - Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgreggor
I Need You Tonight - BSB
Waiting in Vain - Annie Lennox
Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
I Believe in You and Me - Whitney Houston
One Last Cry - Brian McKnight
Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers
Always You - Jennifer Paige
Stay - Lisa Loeb
Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? - Paula Cole
Uninvited - Alanis Morissette
Just My Imagination - Gwyneth Paltrow and Babyface
When You Say You Love Me- Josh Groban
U Got It Bad - Usher
Soledad - Westlife
U Gotta Be - Des'ree
Come Away - Nora Jones
Don't Wanna Wake Up Alone Anymore - The Corrs
Beauty on The Fire - Natalie Imbruglia

If I include my favorite local songs, the list would go on endlessly. So for now, this is the list. Most are sappy songs, I know. But I'm a sappy person so this is just right. Hehe. Tell me what songs do you like among the list and hit me up! TTFN!

Bitches at the Beach

2005-02-24T13:44:00.000+08:00

I'm the one in the blue and red hat. Too sexy. Ha!

If It Was All About Love At All

2005-02-05T09:49:00.000+08:00

Renna, my childhood play-mate and friend, who has been staying in my place for more than a week now, treated me out to the movie a few days ago. We went to Ayala Center and debated which movie to watch. It was a toss between Elektra with Jennifer Garner and All About Love with Claire Danes and Joaquin Phoenix. Now, it has been a long time since I saw Claire Danes in the movies. Her powerful performance in the late 90's Brokedown Palace was very moving and her performance in Igby Goes Down was magnificent too. I adore her despite the fact that she told a popular US fashion magazine not so nice things about Manila when she did the Brokedown Palace there. And Joaquin is just as charismatic in every movie that he does. The Village was a fantastic flick and his portrayal of his character was just so superb. So Renna decided that we watch the latter so off we went. The movie was very interesting. The actors acted their parts out very well. Some people went out the theater with stupefied looks on their faces, as Renna and I had. It's not your regular sappy romantic movie, although the title implies so. It requires more deep-thinking than you would in some flicks. But this one had me thinking a lot: What does the flying people in Africa signify? What is the importance of this movie? I slept late that night. I did not regret watching the movie, though. It was a totally different kind of experience.

Now....Sing!!!

2005-02-04T13:30:00.000+08:00

I can't help myself! I keep playing this Mariah Carey video over and over again on the Windows Media player! I know it's been like 3 years already since this Bringin' On The Heartbreak vid came out, but it is just so addictive! Mariah's octaves are so orgasmic, its lifts me up from boredom in the office! And the guy in the vid is just soooo.....Grrrr....

Hubris Vol. 1

2005-01-30T14:08:00.000+08:00

I got this forwarded email at the office. The title of the email was "HOW SEXY IS YOUR NAME?" The letter contains an introduction that goes something like this: "According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity ... What do you think? (DO YOU AGREE TO THIS?)" It's full of bull. But I'm pasting my description anyway. Here goes:

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

This is very, very true. That's why I'm posting it here!!! Ha!!!

my PIT with SEñOR(a) Renee (Sinulog Diaries part 1)

2005-01-15T10:14:00.000+08:00

My cousin Renee came Thursday with a friend, a lady, to celebrate the city's Sinulog festival. She had informed me lots of times a week after Christmas about this thru series of phone calls and text messages. The initial plan was for them to arrive Friday but they moved it one day early to spend more time here.

This totally slipped from my mind. I was too engrossed with my newly acquired SIM card, that allows users to call or send SMS to fellow users of the same network 24 hours a day, 7 days a week which you can load up for only 250 pesos for one whole month. In this country where people are mobile phone crazy, this gimmick surely makes one reach the stars in the heaven. I have tried using other networks (I still have 2 Smart SIM cards, planning to swap the other Smart for a Globe SIM card) and by far I find the network which I am subscribing now, the SUN CELLULAR very fun at its superlative but very cheap for me. I happen to send out at least 60 text messages a day on the average. The other networks happen to charge 1 peso per text message. I had been using my SUN SIM card ever since I bought it last October and I would just switch to my SMART number when I need to check text messages from family, relatives, old friends and lovers. I didn't worry. I pretty much have given everybody important my new number. And of course, I had given Renee my new number but she incidentally copied the wrong one.

So, she was a bit jittery when she tried to contact me on her way to Cebu that Thursday, hoping I would be able to fetch her and her friend from the pier and take her to a cheap hotel for a few days over the weekend. Though not new to big cities like Manila, where she took her BAR exams twice, she still has this paranoid thinking that she will get lost or someone might swindle her or whatever. When I checked my Smart number, her messages came beeping in almost incessantly which ranged from excitement to desperation to frustration and then finally to anger. I panicked. Renee is not the type you want to be angry. And after all, she was not just any other person I know. We are talking about Renee here--my soul satellite, my saviour, my idol.

So, I hurried outside and went to the store where they sell load credits for a few pesos and tried to call her phone which seemed like forever. More than 50 times. It just rang. She didn't answer. Either she is still super mad at me or some asshole robbed her phone. I was the one who became jittery. I went to my room and laid down on my Japanese-style bed and deliberated. Moments later, I heard my phone beeped loudly as if to mock me. I opened her 6-part message and it went on explaining why she was angry, who she got in touch with to pick her up (it was Tristan, her Law classmate, who is now residing in the outskirts of Cebu), and if I wanted to see her the next day I would just send her an SMS but I should know that she will be a bit busy. First-off, she has to go to church and murmur lengthy prayers, she has to go to some place and buy stuff her mother and father asked her to buy and of course, she is meeting long-lost friends at the malls. So I said I was really sorry in my reply and will just text her around lunch time and hope to have lunch with her, my treat.

I had a hard time sleeping. I never felt so guilty. I want to make it up to her later when I see her. Tee-hee.

LOOKING BACK AT 2004, THE YEAR OF DISTRACTION

2005-01-11T16:53:00.000+08:00

Last year was probably one of the more remarkable years in my life, whether in a bad or good way. It was one full year that I spent the first time being away from my family. It was spent with so much tumult, distress, and madness. It caused a lot of both vexation and exhilaration. On the other hand, it was the year of reckoning for me. My life in the suburbs took a full twist and turn to the kind of life I would have never known today. 2004 was a year I couldn't imagine living my life skipping. It probably might not be the best year of my life, but it stirred the innermost parts of my being, awakened the very little embers of me to brightly blaze and burn and scorch everything that dared entrance into my world. Now, I might be exaggerating here, but, nonetheless, everyone that I came to know will think of their knowing me as one of the best moments of their lives. Haha! Top that! As if!

In essence, 2004 was the year I became a slut.

Predominantly, I mutually forged alliances with other sluts in the dark corners of this evil city. Fundamentally, I became an important and elite member of the Secret Society of Sluts and was a budding fundamentalist on ménage à trois trysts, orgies and other sexual revolutions, including, but not limited to, phone sex with an SMS/Phone lover while forcing your boo to give you either a quick head or a simple handjob, mIRC sessions for later one-on-one sex-eyeball meetings, one-night stands, et cetera, et cetera. My head swoons just reminiscing them.

Ironically, over the year, I had been persistently looking for THE ONE. The one who can make me, break me, shake me. The one who can put sense into my nonsense. It is so clichè but that was all it was. Unfailingly, I became the infatuation junkie many times over with the people I meet and/or have sex with. It was a tortuous rollercoaster ride, searching for that never-ending bliss, that never was. It was like back when I was 17. I only had one way ticket out of innocence. I was feeling both the ecstasy and loneliness at the same time. It was crazy.

When I look back at the year 2004, I couldn't derive a solid emotion. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. All I know is that, it had been a very crazy-busy year for me. I got crazy-busy earning money in a different city. I got crazy-busy living in another place away from home. I got crazy-busy looking for love---getting ecstatic and getting hurt. And of course, I got crazy-busy making love to people, hoping that with every inch of skin that I touch, lick, or kiss, love would somehow be not too elusive anymore to me. I'm already 24, pushing 25 this year and I don't think it would still be fun searching for love when I reach 30. By then, I'd like to imagine myself in the arms of someone who matter most to me. I would like to rest and find solace in the arms of someone I truly and dearly love. I would like to spend half the day resting my head on his lap and looking up to him, straight to his eyes and find truth in them. Truth that I have finally found the one and I needn't worry and look back at the years which have passed without a single regret. I would like to realize that I was not crazy-busy for years for nothing.

Or, I could just end up alone somewhere up in the mountains or in a cheap nursing home when I reach 50 jerking off to Eminem semi-nude pics. Eww! Sad and gross.

SONG OF THE BROKEN-HEARTED

2005-01-06T17:49:00.000+08:00

If I ever wanna sing a song, I'd like to dedicate it to you. But I am spent. I guess I should go back into one of my hiding places until I heal. You think I am alright but I am not. I will never be. I am sorry. I love you. But we both have to move on. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Take care always.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME (so what's new with that?)

2005-01-02T11:20:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year, everyone!!! I know I have been slacking off with my blogging the last few weeks. Blame it on the holidays! But now that I'm back! So just relax, sit back and fasten your seatbelts because I'm gonna be writing a lot of crazy stuff in here soon! But for now, this will do, as I have a lot of other things to mind. I'll be back! Promise!

The Polar Express versus The Jeepney Express

2004-12-03T03:45:00.000+08:00

I watched The Polar Express with J yesterday morning at around 11.30am at the mall. He was filling in the lines of the characters of the the whole time as he had been able to see it already on pirated DVD. He was too cute for me to be pissed off by him. So I just the let him be the entire movie. He was even singing with the little kiddie characters and the elves! Jesus! How can I blame him? He sure is 18 years old but for the Filipino culture, at this age, you can do nothing but be trapped in doing childish, obnoxious things. So I let him. We parted ways after the movie. He went down the mezzanine floor of the mall to attend his voice lessons. J is my little Josh Groban in the Philippines. Second, of course, to darling Christian Bautista. Sigh! I headed back to the office (ON MY FUCKING VACATION LEAVE!!!) to fetch J.L. a.k.a Juicy Lou--yep, that's HER real name--for another movie, supposedly.

When I got to the office, J.L. was still in a meeting with her team and I lingered for almost an hour, bumming around the floor, chatting with people and stealing furtive glances at this über-cute bloke with very short hair and glasses who was sitting not so far in one of the wide cubicles. The guy, supposedly, is a tennis buff, ranked number 8 in the whole of Philippines. Big news! So, what the heck is he doing here in this call center? I dunno. Being a tennis fanatic myslef, I was suddenly missing my very, very old Dunlop racket I left at home.

So, anyway, when J.L. came out from the boardroom, I approached her and asked what movie she like to watch. Somebody in her team, my former team as well, mentioned a Tagalog horror film. Pa-siyam. Yikes! We finally agreed to go to Ayala mall and check out what good movies are showing there. Turned out that some other team members want to go with us. Fine. When we got in the jeepney, we were so noisy. In case, you don't know what a jeepney looks like, here is a pic I got from somewhere online:

click the pic to view a larger pic

The body is usually longer than your regular Jeep and it is the mode of transport for most middle-class and lower-class people in the provinces and big cities in Manila and Cebu. One time here in Cebu, I was flabbergasted when I took the front seat and realized that the driver was a blue-eyed middle-aged European guy. He had the most bizarre accent, didn't speak Cebuano and seeing him behind the wheel was actually one of the very few things you don't see everyday that makes you "whoa!".

So there we were, noisily chatting inside the cramped-up jeepney in the drizzle for all the world to care. There were different conversations at once. We discussed about how fed up we already were at work and agreed on a few reasons why we couldn't let go of our jobs. Not everyone was looking for the company's Xmas party. I'm sure it will suck big time like last year, I told them, despite the fact that it is going to be held at one of the more posh hotels around---THE WATERFRONT. The streets were slippery, but as always, like most reckless people still alive, the driver was not fazed by this and stepped on the gas like a madman as the jeepney made its snake-like movement through the highway and into the small streets. We almost killed a couple of pedestrians and as usual beating the red lights were a thrill. Living in this country requires utmost need to survive as well as to have fun while you are at it. We were so glad when we reached the mall. We did a little bit of window-shopping. I bought a book. We ate fries and burgers at Flame It, only to know that they ran out of that flaming-hot sauce. Drats! We skipped the movies and by 7pm we headed down to Bo's Cafe to unwind while we sip our cappucino. Later, we parted ways and headed home. "See y'all at the office!" All in all, it had been a terrific day!

Wala Lang*

2004-12-02T05:23:00.000+08:00

It had been a lame week for everybody at work. Salary did not come in early as expected. I was supposed to go home last Saturday and be back by Wednesday here using my rest days and 2 days vacation leave. The turn out of events had me going useless. I did not do anything until Tuesday but watch cable, laze around in my room, read parts of The Vagina Monologues (hilarious stuff), try to earnestly concentrate reading Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, with little success, watch more cable, eat loads of pancit canton (boo-hoo!), sleep early, wake up early, do my laundry (yey!), and jerk off since J wasn't around till Tuesday!

Had great SOP sessions with this JD person over the weekend and I almost did not miss little big J. Har! Har! We had this thing going on between me and this JD person ever since we met at www.friendster.com. We've done nothing but flirt on SMS, phone calls and emails. The buster did not meet me up when he came here from another city for a quick visit before going to Manila. It turned out that he was with his bf doctor for the 5 days he was here. "Sige ra ko'g iyoton, bai! Mao ng wa ko kalugar,"** was exactly his playful statement to me when he later explained his non-appearance. This honesty and his playfully naughty remarks is making him all the more endearing to me. Haha!

Tuesday came and when I opened the door for J, I was already rock hard. But I still took my time. Had another shower while J went up ahead. By the time I entered my room, I was naked in 2 full seconds. No kidding. I counted. J was lying on his side. I pounced at him like a lion, being the horny Leo that I always am. This did not surprise him. He was expecting it. We writhed, we limbered, we crooned. It was a bit exhausting. My Matrix posters on the wall were at some point in jeopardy because, I didn't know what got into me, but we did make very good use of the cold cemented wall. Perhaps, missing J for a week was too much for me to handle. But I did handle him. And more, of course. Exhaustion was an understatement. I was totally spent and barely breathing afterwards. Tissue paper ran out so I made good use of the wet towel. I lay there with him so close beside me, bodies simmering off the heat, temples pulsating, breath was scarce. We were happy. I didn't need any other proof.
------------------------------------------------
*vernacular for Nothing.
**vernacular for "He fucks me all the time. That's why I didn't have time."

Confessions Part One

2004-12-01T09:16:00.000+08:00

Let me explain. I was not born a natural whore.

Mid-year of this year, I practised whoring around as best as I could with a little help of the ex. Now, I'm back to being the same self-absorbed jakolero that I used to be, notwithstanding, of course, the occasional climactic bouts I share with a very charming, sexy, funny person every now and then. Now, I'm in no position to complain. I've never been used to gripe so much about anything. No siree! I'm the all-around, self-sufficient kick-ass sucker of whatever life gives me. My adaptive radiation is fine. No problemo! But that's just me.

But I wish I could do more. I'm a hotblooded, young entrepreneur and can negotiate with almost anything as long as I get the best of it. I wish I was bolder. I wish I was a full-blown, shameless piece of whore, wrecking nocturnal or daylight havoc in the lame streets of Cebu.

I just wish...

The Cancer That Won't Go Away

2004-11-26T02:03:00.000+08:00

For almost a month now, since I have assumed my new shift-sked at work, I usually grab a few winks before I hit the office. My shift starts at 12:30 am five days a week, so I require lots of sleep. At least 2 hours more aside from the 6 hours I get everytime I come home from work. It's one of the very few reasons why I'm usually happy these days. Haha.

During those two hours of sleep before going to the office, my dreams are usually erotic, if not orgasmic. Last night was no exception. It was with my ex. Ever since we broke up, I battled emotional pain of not being able to have great sex with him anymore. Plus, other benefits, of course. But that guy had a tongue like a hoover (whatever that is!). And very explorative in sex. His deep-throats were mind-shattering, his ass had the greatest muscle control ever, his licks were like drugs, and his kisses were like the best chocolates I have ever tasted. We broke up months ago, yes. But that is another story. He's just like a cancer that will never go away. Our "story" was mildly discussed in the first ever entry of this blog. That entry is dedicated to him.

Going back to the erotic dream, I was going to his little place and I only remembered kissing him raw like I always did. I felt myself melting, lost in trance, fiery. We undressed each other like maniacs and began licking each other's sweaty bodies. And just as we were about to get a taste of the desserts, the dream ended like a sour movie. Pakshet!

The alarm clock buzzed off. I have 15 mins to change my clothes before heading to the office. Outside the streets were damp from a drizzle few hours ago. It's Saturday midnight. I suddenly felt excited to get to the office.

Clearance

2004-11-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

I am not uncut!
I am not uncut!!
I am not uncut!!!

Love Songs of the Evilous Lasher

2004-11-18T02:23:00.000+08:00

After work today, as usual, for 3 days now, I invited my long time friend, Nancy, over to hang out and kick back, watch cable and some dvd's at home. And as usual we drank orange juice and ate our huge ensaimadas while we both lay in the large bean bag facing the TV. On dvd was the disc two of season one of Sex and The City. I've watched it probably a hundred times over so I went up after finishing my orange juice and the two ensaimadas. I left Nancy alone downstairs. My watch struck 12 noon. I felt so lonely. Darn. I tried to sleep a bit but around 1pm, Nancy knocked at my door and told me she's leaving. On our way down, I heard the buzzer buzz once and I half-hoped that it was J.

And, yes it was J! When he came in, I was already at the foot of the stairs beaming at him. He smiled his very cute smile at my sleepy face and I summoned him to come up with me. I was so weary from lack of sleep from previous days, and boredom from work is wearing me off, so I slumped right away to my Japanese-style mattress and told him I just needed to catch some sleep. By then, the heat of noon was already peaking. Add the fact that I was so horny (God, crucify me! I'm always horny!) being with J, one can only guess my temperature rising. But I fought off temptation painfully and decided to close my eyes and tried so hard to sleep. And then J sat down and laid down beside me. He whispered that he missed me and that he loved me. Aw, shucks! Charness.com.ph/register!!! Hehe. Let me clear one thing out. I got no problems with intimacy; its the professing of lala-LOVE that's making me cringe all the time! Yikes! So sue me. Hehe.

Soon, the room was already burning like hell so no matter how hard the electric fan whooshed at us, it did not do anything to alleviate the dankness of the air in the room. There we were, half naked, lying beside each other. I let him hold me for a minute before he moved. Agitated, I turned and faced him. He got up and said he brought his little video camcorder. That woke me up a bit. I have been hinting before what it'd be like of being recorded on video while making love. He grinned his little evil grin. I asked him to take it out from his backpack and to let me see it. He obliged. The shiny little devil was let out from his backpack. I sat upright with curiosity and evil ideas were running in my head like crazy as I handled it with childlike wonder. We both giggled, reading each other's minds. We are a naughty duo. I was toying with it and pretty easily I was toying his skin and his hair, kissing him, licking him. And we got too hot, we were already making out on the verge of making love. So I turned the cam on and placed it far from the bed aiming to our direction. The cam went on recording us as we both passionately got lost in each other wonder-makings. Soon afterwards we played back the recorded sexy session. The outcome was tasteless and even repulsive. We easily decided to erase it. There was nothing more to do so we were gooffing around and ended up camming each other making stupid faces on the camera. J looked so cute even on cam!

Moments later, we went down because we can no longer take the heat in my room and found Sunshine, all alone watching Season Two of Sex and The City on dvd. She was just wrapped with her white towel and she was feeling comfy in the bean bag, paying little attention to us. J and I were still stealing evil smiles at each other imagining what we've done earlier upstairs. Later Raean arrived and his face was inquisitive. He found the camcorder hidden under the sheets of the bed in the living room and suggested we play around with it. We hooked the cam to the TV with th A/V cord and we were playing with it like we were kids. We danced on floor and Shine and Raean and I were singing and talking at the cam. We looked so cute! And J was the official cameraman. Haha!

Whew! That was unforgettable.

Nights Missing My Sins

2004-11-14T13:15:00.000+08:00

Last Friday night was a stale, ordinary Friday night. I went with R, my male housemate, to this little place called HALO half a mile from where we live. The place is where they usually hold, what we call, children's parties, without the regular guardians or bodyguards. Them children are cute, horny dilinquents barely out of highschool. And even the fresh college grads look like highschoolers these days. That's why we call them children. Naive hornets. Not that I am complaining. I only detest it when nobody is brave enough to admit who grabbed my butt on my way to the restroom. I'm easy as long as you are cute. Ha! One time, at the same discotheque, a girl decided to chomp my shoulder off. I turned around, startled, and this foxy, little girl's face met me, apologetically saying, "Ay, sorry..." Whadda...?? Sheessh, people these days are way too promiscous. Still, I am not complaining at all.

So as usual the place reeked of oozing libido, sweat, cheap colognes, beer and smoke hanging low in the air. The music was still awesome, playing the latest RnB songs imaginable and bodies gyrate shamelessly in the crowded dancefloor. The techo-lites flashed and streamed all over the place. Nothing was to be expected that night. We were just there to sweat out from our seemingly tension-filled life at work. So we danced and danced, met some people from work, danced with them, drank our beers, smoked our cigarettes, danced some more and left before we pass out.

The next night, I went back early this time with my female cousin and her bf. We waited until there was a bigger crowd dancing on the floor before we danced. Moments later, I bumped into my sexy former co-worker. I thought she would have a boyfriend by now but she told me she still doesn't have one. Mmm, I didn't believe her. She was playing. How can a girl so sexy and horny not have one? Haha. Like I care! So I danced with her as RnB music blared from the boomboxes and the blinding lights rained over us. We were grinding our bodies against each other, and almost smooching. It was really surprising and uninspiring at the same time because I came back there not to go hoochie-woochie with a girlette but with some cute and horny bloke, if I got lucky. There was this mysterious cutie across our table donning super loose shirt and super baggy pants sporting this sexy hairstyle copied like from one of those F4 dudes, that, I presumed, was staring at my direction all night. He was painfully hot and sexy that if I was only brave (or at least drunk) enough to come up to him and grab him to dance and get jiggy with. Grrr... When he passed by us, he tried to bump me from behind. I told the girl I was dancing with how hot that guy was and how much I wanna come up to him and give him a wet smooch. She just laughed so hard and continued to grind her pelvis against mine and did not stop to cop a feel on my butt until I bit her hard on her neck. I decided to let the euphoria drown me. When I turned around, the boy already headed for the door. Glancing at my direction for the last time, he kept walking, vanishing into the crowd outside. I bit my lip and had to heave a loud sigh. Dang!

Top Ten Never Ever Again List 2004

2004-11-09T08:22:00.000+08:00

1. Never ever overmasturbate again. Cockskin are thin. Chafing is more than just a possibility.
2. Never ever be deceived at how people look again. The beautiful ones are usually the ones devoid of excitement.
3. Never ever deal with palengkeras again who sell rotten fish. They usually just wanna poison you.
4. Never ever believe anybody easily again. Especially those people who just want to get into your pants.
5. Never ever doubt love again, even if they're coming from people younger or older than you.
6. Never ever be content with what you have again. Strive more. And stay happy.
7. Never ever slack off again. Make yourself busy. If all you gotta all day is wank off then go right ahead. Just don't be a sloth.
8. Never ever overindulge in anything again. Sex. Food. Books. Movies. Intellectual masturbation. Take everything in moderation.
9. Never ever look long enough at closed doors again. Move on.
10. Never ever be afraid to get hurt again. It gets the better.

Are You Within The Vicinity of My Radiance?

2004-11-07T01:34:00.000+08:00

"I hate everyone in close proximity to me. People should not be allowed to live this close. There should be an island where all the annoying people should live--right on top of each other. Tell me, do u hate everyone too?"

--excerpted from a forgettable sappy movie

What Will Jesus Do?

2004-10-24T08:07:00.001+08:00

Relax. It's just a title. My blog today does not imply anything religious. Nor does it have anything to do with the book, I am continuing to read now, after a series of halts, The Da Vinci Code. That crap ruined my childhood faith in The Little Mermaid, okay, so fuck it! I just lacked the creative mood today because my head still hurts. Damn those Winston Lights oi! I have been telling myself to quit smoking because, first of all, I don't know how to smoke (somebody advised me to quit it because I don't know how to inhale the smoke right. *yeah right* well I just smoke occasionally and only to make myself older. I look juvenile! Argh!) and, second, the smoke is ruining my voice!

Anyways, yesterday was so uneventful that when I woke up this morning I thought I was just dreaming it all up in my sleep. Before hitting the sack, I set my alarm to 3:30am then postponed it to 3:45am thinking my shift is gonna start at 4am today! Heck, when I got in I realized "auto-in" won't be until 45 minutes more. Grr. I could have savored 45 mins more toying my boner before whacking off! Ha!

Yesterday, I came home early from where my cousin resides for now. Spent the night there because the boyfriend already went home and her supposed roommate still did not arrive as expected. We stayed up half the night talking about the good ol' days back in Bayawan where I spent the most unforgettable unforgettables last year. Summer of 2003. Ah. Nostalgia. I couldn't help but feel a sudden longing seeping through my loins everytime HER name was mentioned. Marialyn. The name. I wonder what she's been doing now. Angging, my cous, mentioned that she is going back home this December from somewhere London. My heart almost leapt up when I came to realize that my excitement is for naught since she already have a droopy-eye bf waiting for her there. Charness.com!!! Until now, I still don't understand some little things back then. Why her? She. The very female who awakened my dying "straightness", as if I ever was. Why her and why the feeling? Why me? Pakshet! Smirk. Oh, I still ache for her. I am being punished by the gods!

Marialyn, how could I forget?

Miss Saigon

2004-10-15T13:58:00.000+08:00

This is the face that almost launched a thousand ships at the Dumaguete Port until she decided to stay away and move to where her parents are-- Las Vegas, baby! Right now, she resides in Canada with her bf who, she says, is kind and "wonderful." I wonder what C.H. can say to that? Hehe. What's news to me is that this uber-tamad gal is finally working her ass off because she wants to save more money to come back and visit her friends in Palawan, Cebu and Dumaguete. Yay! Way to go, H. I miss ya!

Lyrical Lyric

2004-10-15T13:40:00.000+08:00

This unusual song goes out to an unusual person who makes me feel kind of...unusual." I heart u, TKJ.

Bummer

2004-10-11T16:18:00.000+08:00

So, okay, my so-called friends think that I need to go out more. They see my being a couch potato, dvd freako, room-dweller whatever as not just pathetic but also pitiful. Smirk! And they call themselves "friends." But at least they are honest. Brutal. But honest. I like that. So they say I need to go kayakking with them next week. S is extremely physical. Bold, locquacious and fun-loving. I like that. R, is into physics as well. I am more inclined to mental masturbations these days so I was opposed to the idea. I used to be so restless in highschool. I was in the varsity and I was always going to places. When I transferred here to work, it ruined me. I became a slut, I was scandalized, and I became very languid in all the things I do. If I have the option not to move, I would take it. So what the hell went wrong with me?! Geez.

So, I don't know. I'm usually ruled by my sporadic impulses to do things at any given moment. Perhaps I'm gonna go kayakking with S and R next week. Or maybe not. I'm just gonna splurge all my money on buying DVD's and stay at home all day. Yuck! What is really going on with me. Just the thought of it makes me puke. Haha. But I like that. Aduy! Whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see... ;-)

Rip and Reinstall

2004-10-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

Just got back Sunday afternoon from the city of gentle people with a kababata who is now going to work at the same place I work. She arrived late at the wharf so we had to wait for the next boat to cebu. She doesn't have a place to stay for now, so I guess she'll be staying over the place I rent along with 2 other enigmatic(hah!) co-workers until we find her a place. Wouldn't be a problem. I offered her to sleep in my room last night but she preferred the huge green old beanie bag at the living room because she was scared to sleep alone up there. Bummer.

So what I brought was, aside from the backpack, another bag of pirated goodies I bought from them Moslems downtown. DVD's. Yey! The Notebook (that scenes at the opening credits are so, so sweeping), Papparazzi (that new Mel Gibson-directed flick), Read My Lips (a French, pseudo-Hitchcock film I have yet to see), Home on The Range (that cartoon, which evidently wouldn't play in the Frigidaire DVD player (that I brought from home!) and the brilliant Nuovo Cinema Paradiso among others!

This should keep me busy, especially from distractions--sex, among other things. :P

Life or Something Like It

2004-10-01T07:19:00.000+08:00

I went to work today at 5am skipping bath because I'm having a slight fever. Actually, since Tuesday I wasn't feeling very well. It is only now that I feel the ache all over my body. Been taking meds for my cough and colds and I downed two Centrum tabs last night while watching the superb El Crimen Del Padre Amaro in my room. I was late coming in to work because R, my housemate slacked off, took time annihilating the roaches in the comfort room with muriatic acid. Gross. But I can't complain much. I'm just thinking that in a few hours from now, I'm homeward bound. Gonna get the dvd player and that autographed book called The Warrior Of The Light by Paulo Coelho because some M wants to borrow it. Yey! I'm so excited! Hehe...This is all for now.

Cheding Kuryakangkot Ek Ambuchikek...

2004-09-28T10:46:00.000+08:00

Well, I didn't have much sleep last night. My work sked shifted totally and I couldn't grab a wink. Now, its 10:45am and I'm feeling groggy. And I'm supposed to be grateful! Argh! But anticipation is good, nevertheless. A few hours more and I'll be into the arms of arms! Sigh! I'm coming away with you...

Fuckin' Metronomics

2004-09-27T04:13:00.000+08:00

I am always known to be a static person. The kind of person who despises too much change. I bask in and feel comforted by familiar things. I do not consider myself obsessive-compulsive at all, but everytime my system is messed up, I sometimes panic. I do. I may be exaggerating here. Give me a word before panic and I'll scratch that. But I do sometimes feel a bit panicky everytime routine things are rearranged in my system. I have this odd keen sense of knowing where to reach my old mobile phone in the dark no matter where it is hidden. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up from a nightmare and suddenly miss my phone. I would reach for my phone under the sheets on the foot of the bed and feel a weird sense of comfort. I'd hold on to my phone like a child holds on to a teddy bear. Feeling scared in the middle of the night. Hating my guts but basking in the pleasure of being able to hold on to my phone, my most faithful amigo, as if to protect me from some menace lurking in the darkness of my room.

Lately, my system is so altered. I have my job to thank for this, of course, aside from other things. Now, I panic everytime I stretch out my hand under the sheets or pillows if I can't feel my cellular phone. It's weird. It's like I am about to lose my mind if a few more seconds pass and I don't get hold of it. My heart then pummels loudly and my throat dries up. What's going on with me? Now, this is not about me and my celfone. There are other things happening to me from time to time that triggers me to panic. I am not enjoying it. If I forget to brush my teeth, no matter how clean they are, I panic. If I don't wear any of my favorite WWJD bands, when I go to work or somewhere else, I panic. If I am so close to being late going to work, I panic. If someone familiar I bumped into forgets to greet me, I panic. Is the panic feeling engulfing me lately has something to do with my being clingy? And if so, why? Why all of a sudden I cling to things and then panic if I don't see them or feel them like they are supposed to? Is this a good thing?

I used to be the ultimate nonchalant person next door. I used to not give so much fuss about anything at all. I don't care whether or not things are supposed to be going where or what they are supposed to be. I used to be inches close to being stoic. When I decided not to finish college, I just smirk everytime father or mother blabbers about how much of an irresponsible, incompetent fool I was.

So what? Like I give a fuck! Blow me! Whatever!

I used to be that person and I find that comfortable. My nonchalance secures me. I miss my old me so much. So what happened? Why would I care if I didn't look good if I go out? Why would I give a shit if I don't get approval from people around me? Why would I give a damn if my ACW or AHT or POSE or fucking BU aren't good enough? Geeezz...I'm just so crappy today. But who can blame me? It's 4 am in the morning and I still can't sleep. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I gotta go home, jerk off and sleep. Aight!!!

Profile

2004-09-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

the bitch and the super bitch

POETRY 101

2004-09-24T09:30:00.000+08:00

DAWN-KISSES

My dawn-kisses might be too lame for you.

Inspire me, red-cap my head with intricate words: FRENZY!
You laughed uncontrollably, my wicked smile deceitful;
Easy to please, yet so hard to understand.

I got claustrophobic over your coccyxial cacophony;
Blatant: but artfully executed while you fake a slumber over me.

Loved, Beloved, I ran out of words.

Fifteen thousand bliss dived silently towards the in-betweens of you and me;
Heady rhapsody blared towards the frog-ponds behind your lair;
Zen entered, daisies weltered and wilted on our G-spots.

Eros, the god, cavorted with Venus, the lizard, against the plywood;
I blinked, awed: you deciphered the dazed movements, fearful,
But intending to recreate the graphics displayed on your blue walls.

Your lair, full of water bottles, seduces my thirst for biblical passages;
Our mothers debate the sanctity of our unmarried fascination for each other;
Pop servers not responding, cannot send or receive emails, my dearest.

My dawn-kisses might be too addictive for you.
--------------------------
Here, is where you can find some samples of my rotten poetry.

Endings Are The Real Beginnings

2004-09-23T18:18:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, one of the highlights of my childish existence was watching kung-fu movies of either Bruce Lee or Jacky Chan. They were my super heroes back then---apart, of course, from Superman. Betamax tapes were so in at that time. And everytime me and my mom would go to the videohouse, I would right away go to the martial arts section while my mother line up to the Tagalog-drama section and rent the latest Vilma Santos or Sharon Cuneta movie. When we get home, she usually lets me view my kung-fu selections first. So then, I would huddle around at the most convenient place in the sala with my sister and the rest of my kid neighbors and gawk at Bruce Lee's death-defying moves or Jacky Chan's funny martial arts stunts. For me, there was actually no meaning to the whole kung fu thing. It did not matter to me though, nor to the rest of the "gawkers." As long as they beat the ugly enemies at the end of the movie, that's just making it right for us.

Movies. How convenient. Endings are usually happy and liberating. The first and middle of the film are always the best parts, the endings are sometimes varied. Sometimes the heroes conquer the nemesis, other times they die. I get sad. Not because the heroes die. I always know that they will be back in another movie. I get sad because the movie has already ended. I used to wish movies would never end. Endings. They're just so sad. It just didn't seem right to me. I didn't understand why movies have to end.

As I went on with life and dealt with almost all of its quirks and quirkiness. The uphills and downhills, the joys and the hurts. I learned that the endings of certain things are not usually what they seem to be. In truth they are much more than what they really are. I learned that, at my age, endings are the real beginnings. It's true. Life is a great teacher, and for years this was what it has been teaching me. For every closed door, a window always opens to let in whatever hope there is left, no matter how feeble it may be. Now, I'm not really a great student of life. I learn things the hard way, and usually very, very slowly. Despite the adversities, I began, little by little, to pick up the faint pointers along the way. I still lack the knowledge of the great mysterious things that lurk beyond the horizon. I don't know when I'll have the key to the GREAT UNKNOWNS or if I'll ever have it at all. What I know is that endings aren't at all sad. There should be a reason why things end; and though what lies around the bend is uncertain, what's for sure is that around the bend is not A DEAD END. Rather, it is an endless highway to that amazing and great unknown where everything is going to be just fine, no matter what road you've been in. True. Endings are the real beginnings. I like the sound of that. That excites me.

That's what I like about life. It is so quirky. No matter how see it, it always gives out the best things. Take for example, just recently I have just ended a chapter of my life that went great until it ended up to its last pitiful breath. I held on to it for as long as I could but it is out of my hands now--all for the better, I guess, or at least for me (since I am one selfish organism, hehe). I wish I could turn back the hands of time no matter how cliché it sounds. I really wish I could. But things change for better as in all things end to desist the anticipation of the worst.

This ending, C, is yet the beginning.

Because life is not a movie.